You finally stepped away. Then, out of nowhere, they’re back: a sweet message, a big apology, a crisis only you can help with, or a “just checking in.” This is often called hoovering, named after the vacuum, because the goal is to suck you back into the relationship. Knowing what it is can help you stay steady.
What It Can Look Like
- Sudden apologies or promises that “this time will be different.”
- Messages on special dates like birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays.
- Claims of an emergency, illness, or crisis that needs your attention.
- Reaching out through friends, family, or social media.
- Nostalgic reminders of good memories, songs, or inside jokes.
- Guilt trips, or threats of what will happen if you don’t respond.
- Acting as if nothing happened at all.
Why It Happens
When someone with narcissistic patterns loses control or attention, they may try to get it back. Hoovering often shows up when you’ve set a boundary, started to heal, or moved on with your life. It’s usually less about real change and more about restoring the old dynamic.
Hoovering works because it targets the bond you once shared. It can stir up hope, guilt, loneliness, or worry about the other person. Feeling tempted doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means you’re human.
How Our Work Together Helps
I can help you prepare for these moments before they happen and process them afterward. In our sessions, we can:
- Learn to spot hoovering early, even when it’s subtle.
- Decide ahead of time how you want to respond, or not respond.
- Work through the guilt and doubt that hoovering stirs up.
- Strengthen boundaries such as limited or no contact, if that’s right for you.
- Build a life that feels full on your own terms.
Sessions are online, which makes it easier to get support right when you need it.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I tell if they’ve truly changed?
Real change usually shows up over time through consistent actions, accountability, and respect for your boundaries, not just words or grand gestures. Therapy can help you look at the evidence clearly.
Is it wrong to reply?
It’s your choice. I won’t judge you. I’ll help you think through what each choice might mean for your peace and safety.
What if I already went back?
That happens to many people. It isn’t the end of your story. Therapy can help you understand what happened and decide your next steps.
Ready to Talk?
You deserve peace that lasts. Call me at (970) 541-0890 or use the contact form to book an online session.
Your safety matters. If you are in danger, call 911. If you are thinking about suicide or are in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline). For support with abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.